Dealing with Anger in Marriage...is There a Better Way?

Have you ever experienced anger in your marriage? A button is pushed...a switch is flipped, and next thing you know, you or your spouse or perhaps both of you are steaming! 

I know we've been there!  I'm seeing Jason and me in the kitchen voices elevating, eyebrows raised...intensity climbing!  What do you do?  Stick with us because today we're going to share some simple tactics that can help you avoid angry encounters.

First things first...what is anger really?  Anger is a strong feeling of being annoyed, very annoyed.  It goes beyond being just a bit frustrated into a deeper more agitated state.  Most of us have experienced this in our lives, and it doesn’t take long before it surfaces in our marriages.

You see, when we marry, two people who “stumble in many ways” (James 3:2) join in union to do life together.  Neither is perfect and each has his/her own way of thinking and doing.  Inevitably when you’ve got two imperfect people living together, doing life together, it will result in frustration of some sort or a form of anger at some point. 

I know one of my triggers can be "not being seen" or "heard" properly.  If I am not getting my point across and no one seems to be listening to me, it can cause great agitation in me...sometimes I get angry!  

Unfortunately, when we get angry and act on it, we are pretty much as far away from modeling the patience and love of Jesus as we can be!  Yes, I know there were times when Jesus was righteously angry at the religious leaders, and he acted on that.  But, I'm not talking about that kind of anger...not righteous anger.

I'm talking about selfish anger that usually comes because we don't get our way or believe that we aren't anyway...or the type of anger that comes because we are being defensive and lashing out to protect ourselves...or the type of anger that surfaces because of past baggage or pain.  No Jesus, did not behave this way.

What happens when we get angry?  Do we raise our voices?  Do we get animated?  Are we exhibiting self-control?  Patience?  Usually not.  Have you ever wondered what you look like when you get into a rant or tantrum?  

I imagine that whenever I've acted on anger how much like a child I must appear.  Anger does not join and bond.  No instead it separates, breaks, pushes away.

God's word reminds us to be angry, but do not sin (Ephesians 4:26).  I believe this is the grace of the Lord saying: "I understand" that you are flesh and experience anger, but don't let that feeling/emotion lead you into temptation.  Don't let your feelings cause you to sin.  Rise above it.

You will never win people over or convey loving truth if you're acting out of anger.  So, wisely, God's word warns us not to act on it.  This can be hard!  Sometimes it seems like people just "push our buttons"!  What can we do?

Here are a few tips for keeping calm when you sense you are very annoyed:

1. Take a deep breath and count to ten.

2. Walk away until you are able to calm down.

3. Use a calm tone of voice when speaking.

4. Pray.

These may seem like obvious tactics, but in the heat of frustration, we often are overcome by emotions and don’t think straight.  In these situations, the simpler the steps you can take, the better!  

By slowing down and taking the time to calm down, you are showing patience and self-control to your spouse and your kids!  What a great example to them of how to deal properly with frustration.

So I ask you, when was the last time you felt anger toward your spouse or kids? Was it really worth it?  How could you have handled the situation differently?

Using these pointers takes intention!  We encourage you to use one of these options the next time you get angry. Share them with your spouse and challenge each other to focus on using them with each other and your kids! Discuss your progress with each other! If we can do it, you can do it!

Jennifer S. Goins